Jacki Kellum

Juxtapositions: Read My Mind

Category: Mississippi River

Will The Circle Be Unbroken? Remembering My South and My Kappa Kappa Gamma Sorority at Ole Miss

When I was a kid, I HATED country music. Nonetheless, every morning before dawn, my dad would blast country music from the kitchen radio. I despised country music, and I hated waking up to it. I could almost say that I hated my dad for invading my morning tranquility with his cacophonous musical preference. Oddly, life has brought me almost full circle now, and it has softened me and enlightened me and changed me. I rather like country music now, and I love the fact that I grew up in the rural South, which is the place out of which Country Music is extracted.  I’d give anything to be awakened by my dad’s blasting Mother Maybelle Carter from my kitchen once more, and I absolutely LOVE Iris DeMent’s version of Will the Circle be Unbroken? I like the tune now. I like the singing, the musicians, and the message. I like everything about this song. It is a music that resonates within my bones now. This song is home now, and I appreciate the fact that I have begun to reap the harvest of the seeds that  God planted in the mud of my childhood, which is the same soil from which country music is distilled. And I am thankful that I have been granted the peace of understanding that the memories and the relationships of our youths are the experiences that become the framework for who we become.

When I was 18,  I left my childhood home in the Bootheel of Southeast Missouri, and since that time, I have only visited the area a few times.

When I was 18, I moved to Mississippi, and I lived there for almost four decades. I attended college at Ole Miss, and I was in the sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma. Life has changed since 1968, but when I was at the University of Mississippi, Ole Miss truly was the heart of Dixie.  When I hear the Hastings Choir sing Dixie, I weep. I do wish that I was still in the land of the cotton of Ole Miss in 1968, but that Dixie is gone now.

When I was at Ole Miss, I lived in the Kappa Kappa Gamma House with a host of other girls. It was like living at Tara. We had a large dining room in our house, and a staff of cooks prepared our meals, which were served on China. We ate with silver. Our meals were served by House Boys. That was another time. Life was soft and genteel then.

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My freshman year, I went to the OIe Miss- Memphis State game with a Phi Delt, and we stayed at the Sheraton Peabody Hotel. Before the game, there was a pep rally in the foyer of the hotel, and Ole Miss Rebels were hanging off of the balconies and chanting. After the pep rally, I got on the elevator with my date and about 500 other Phi Delts. All of the Phi Delts were singing and chanting their fraternity song. Every time that they stomped the floor, the elevator skipped a floor or two. I was the only person sober in Memphis that day. I had come from a country home and had not learned to drink yet. I believe that I am the only person on the elevator who knew that it was about to snap its cord, and I was scared to death. Life has always scared me. At the very least, it has always taken my breath, but I have survived, and because God gave me the gift of feeling, I have fully experienced everything that has happened to me. I remember. My Phi Delt friend and I shared stories, and he told me that his father was a planter. My jaw dropped. He came from the Mississippi River Delta of the state of Mississippi. I came from the Mississippi River Delta of Southeast Missouri–a couple of hundred miles North and still a million miles away. In Missouri, there are no planters. Farmers grow the cotton there, and that is only the tip of the iceberg which distinguishes Missouri from Mississippi. But I am part of all that I have met, and both Missouri and Mississippi are home to me now.

While I was living in the Kappa House, I played guitar and sang with a little group that we called the Kappa pickers. It was a fun time–a special time. This past weekend, my sorority sister and roommate from the Kappa House visited me. We had not seen each other for 47 years. Neither of us is still 18, but half a century later, we partied hard and made up for the years of friendship that we have deprived ourselves of. We spent a night in Atlantic City and ended the weekend at the Rittenhouse Hotel in Philadelphia. My friend flew over 1,000 miles to visit me. We have followed different paths since 1972, but time cannot erase the commonality of the lives that we shared as youths in college. At one point, my friend leaned over and sang a bar of an old Kappa song: Remember the Kappa Gamma. This morning, I tried to find that song on Youtube, but I don’t think that Kappas sing that song anymore. They didn’t know the Kappa Gamma of 1968-1972. They never knew the Mississippi of that time either. It hurts me that in our rushes to try to “fix” the inequities and the racism of the Old South, statues are being torn down, and life as it once was is being eradicated. As I watch the statues fall, part of my soul falls with them.

I live in the Northeast now, and I try to explain how it hurts me that people are whittling away at my Old South. In many ways, I am a liberal or I would not live in the North. But it hurts me to watch people as they try to destroy centuries of history–simply because one interest group or another is offended. Where does that campaign end? Some people simply love to be offended. They love having an ax to grind, and I believe that after we the offenders have given away our souls, we will realize that we did it for nothing. The offended will find something else that causes them offense–or some other reason to play the victim. Some people enjoy playing the victim, and that will never change.

One of my friends from back home put a comic on Facebook that captures the ludicrousness of trying to end bigotry by erasing and eradicating any allusions to the past. I am not a bigot, but I don’t want my Southern heritage destroyed. The destruction will not fix anyone’s feelings of inadequacy. It will only destroy my home.

Today. I find myself singing old songs. Please, let the Circles be Unbroken. Cherish the friendships of your youth. They speak volumes about who you will always be. Cherish your homeland. I respect other peoples’ rights to love and remember their homelands, and I only ask that others allow me that same privilege. As we grow older and older, we need to be able to recall our pasts. Our past is the soft feather bed where we rest our souls.

Ode to Grandma's Feather Bed

Ode to Grandma’s Feather Bed by Jacki Kellum

Ode to Grandma’s Feather Bed
by Jacki Kellum

Like Great Aunt Edith’s too-long grip-
Too soft, too close, too tight,
You took me on a feather trip,
That lasted through the night.

Rollercoaster up and down,
Hot and sweaty through the down,
Carried me to slumber town,
And rocked me there,
Til dawn.
©Jacki Kellum October 8, 2015


©Jacki Kellum October 23, 2017


My Memories of the Cotton Fields of My Childhood Home

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Although I lived most of my life in Mississippi, I actually grew up in Gideon, a very small farm community in Southeast Missouri. This is the area that is called the Bootheel, which is is the part of Missouri that juts down below the rest of the state line– downward into what would otherwise be Arkansas or Tennessee.

When I was a child, I was surrounded for miles by cotton fields, cotton gins, and the dark, rich soil that the Mississippi River had deposited there in earlier years. Because this is the flood zone of the Mississippi River, the soil is so very rich that hardly any of it is wasted on trees. Occasionally, you might see a narrow line of vegetation crossing the terrain; but that would probably be on the banks of one of the small creek-like waterways that was long ago dug there to catch the river, should it flood again.

Collectively, the waterways around my home were called The Floodways. Individually, each of the bodies of water had one of the following less than illustrious  names: 1 Ditch, 2 Ditch, 3 Ditch, etc. That is the truth.  During the 1950’s and 1960’s, there wasn’t a lot of effusiveness or ornamentation about Southeast Missouri, but it was enough. In fact, it was more than enough, and in many ways, I’d give anything to get back to the Gideon of my childhood again, but that playground is gone in every way but that of my mind.

Fortunately, my memory of childhood is still very sharp and fairly reliable.  One thing I recall is that when I was a child, life was rather immobile. We had cars, but there was very little jumping behind the wheel and darting here and there. My diminutive hometown was actually fairly self-sufficient, and at that time, there was not much need to commute far beyond there. That, in itself, added to the quietness and simplicity of my childhood.

Because the Bootheel’s farm children  were bused into town for school each day, tiny communities formed around places where the school buildings were established. A few of those communities even had a store or two. When I was very young, there was a little, general department store a dimestore, a hardware store, a drugstore, and an IGA grocery store in Gideon, but those places are gone now. Times have changed, but when I was a child, Cotton was a prosperous King in my hometown, and his people lived fairly well.

The above is my unfinished pencil sketch of a cotton plant. The drawing is fairly accurate but it is messy and it needs to be cleaned up. I always tell my students to draw what they know, and I know cotton.

I especially know cotton when the leaves have begun to dry up, but the cotton is still fluffy and is beginning to fall out of the hulls.

In many ways, my childhood was determined by Cotton, and my calendar was punctuated by the various stages of its growth cycle. The winter was slow and quiet. Spring was an awakening, and summer was a time of growth. During fall, the roads were lined with trailers being pulled by tractors. In ant-like procession, they were going to and coming from the gins. At that time, living became the everyday humming of the harvesting of cotton.

When I was young, a sharecropper picked up us kids and we rode to the farms in the back of an old pickup truck. About the time that the sun was creeping above the cotton fields and the dew on the cotton was beginning to sparkle like diamonds, all of us pickers would begin scurrying through the plants to begin picking back toward the wagon from the farthest end of the row. Every cotton picker had a long and narrow canvas bag strapped over his or shoulder, and picking cotton was a process of plucking the fluffy white part of the plant from the hard and wooden-like hull where it had grown.

As they dry out, the tips of the cotton hulls become sharp shards that are eager for the opportunity to lodge themselves in a picker’s hands. Stinging caterpillars attach themselves to the leaves of the plants, and getting stung is another hazard of picking cotton by hand. On lucky days, I  picked from plants that were about my height, but on most days, picking cotton meant bending over and creeping along until I thought that my back would break.

It probably seems that I am complaining, but I am not. Because I picked cotton as a child, I was allowed to experience the last days of a way of life. When I was a child, children were allowed to stay home from school to pick cotton for six weeks during the fall. The days of cotton vacation are over now, and today, machines harvest the cotton. When I was a little girl, I was paid 3 cents a pound to pick cotton, and since cotton is so very light, I didn’t earn much money in the fields; yet, I consider the days that I picked cotton to be priceless.

When we had picked enough cotton to fill our canvas sacks, we would heave it across our shoulders and carry our pickings to be weighed at the wagon. Before we returned to our spots in the field, we would drink a swig of rusty-tasting well water from the aluminum ladle that was strapped to a bucket. At lunch, we would gather back at the wagon and sit in its shade while we nibbled on whatever had been packed in our sacks for us to eat. It seems that my lunches were primarily fried Spam and mayonnaise on Wonder bread. In the place where I picked, the sharecropper’s large family were all singers–Pentecostal singers. Throughout the day, they would warble glorious hymns. They sounded like a band of angels. My memories of picking cotton are almost surrealistic now, but I believe that they are close to the way that things actually were.

Late in the fall, after the pickers had saved a few dollars, the carnival rolled into town. That was about the only time that there was much excitement in Gideon. During the night time, the air would become crispy and moist and colorful lights would begin to reflect across the sky. The smell of corn dogs deep-frying would hover in the air and from anywhere in town, the children could hear the carousel’s calliope playing, up and down. Late in the fall, the hard choice was whether I would spend a few of my hard-earned quarters at the carnival or whether I  would save all of my money to buy new school clothes from the Sears and Roebuck catalog.

For the most part, my childhood was a sweet and simple time–or at least, that is how I remember it, and my memories are invaluable. But like my home town, my childhood is gone, too, and memories can be deceptive.

“You can never go home again.” – Thomas Wolfe

Thomas Wolfe is correct in saying that people can never  go home again. The folks of home change and die and in some cases, like that of my hometown, businesses close, people move away, and the town itself disappears. There are other problems with returning to our childhood homes, however. Often, as we look backward in time, we look through ruby-colored glasses, and we don’t actually see the truth of what was really there. In other words, we cannot believe all of our memories of home.

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When I was a child, I lived in a little white house that was situated on a gravel road, and my grandparents lived in a brick house on  the next road. My grandmother was a gardener, and she filled her yard with flowers. At least once every day,  I would walk through my neighbors’ yards, through my grandmother’s flowers, and I would end up at my grandmother’s back door. My grandmother was a gentle and kind person, and I was her only granddaughter. Life was idyllic at my grandmother’s house, and in my child’s memory, my grandmother lived in a grand home. After a more critical analysis, however, I realize that my grandmother’s house was actually rather small. It only had 2 bedrooms and one tiny bathroom. Because many of our memories of home are romanticized and deluded, we cannot return to the home that we remember because the home that we remember was never actually there. Our understandings of homeare more than that of a brick and mortar or wood and nail place.

Because most of the people have moved away from my Bootheel town to places where they can find work, the businesses and offices in my home town are closed now. Children don’t pick cotton any more, and the life of cotton-picking children is gone. Cotton farming isn’t even the massive industry that it once was in the place where I grew up.  At one time, the autumn air around my home was filled with gossamer-like lint that floated from the cotton compresses. Like spider’s work, the cotton lint attached itself to trees, poles, and other things nearby. Gauzy and ghostly, the lint-webs seemed to be warning me–even many years ago. They were hinting that the simple, quiet times of my childhood would eventually end. While Cotton flourished in my little town, his people flowered, too. I don’t believe that people realized then that Cotton was the King in the Bootheel. They didn’t realize that not until later, when time took cotton’s throne. Now, the little farm communities of the Bootheel are shadows and their specter-like people are silhouettes. In my hometown, life itself was boarded shut many years ago, and now it is stone-stagnant, cold-condemned. and left gasping for remnants of itself.

I can never go home again, but many years later and thousands of miles away from my cotton-field home, the rhythm of my country childhood still pounds through my veins. As soon as the weather begins to chill in September, I begin to long for my homeland–for its dewy-covered cotton patches and for its little general store. I still have my cotton clock, it ticks my cotton song–a song about a place that no longer exists, and I am out on the pavement, holding a tin cup, crying: “I am still a cotton-child, a child that lost my home.”

©Jacki Kellum September 3, 2017 [Reprinted from several previous versions of this material]



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